A Drop in the Ocean

written by Cath Gale

After caring for my Dad full time for 14 months, while he lived with a brain tumour, when people say how wonderful a job I did caring for him, my only reply is that it is a drop in the ocean compared to what my Dad did for me. My Dad, the 9th out of 13 children, was born in 1940, a twin. He attempted to enter the monastery in his early twenties however after being told by the third attempt to go somewhere else, Dad decided he was “being given the run around” and began praying a prayer that he would know and do God’s will. From praying this, Dad believed he was being called to look after his parents in their old age. Dad then spent the next twenty years doing just this in varying capacities. Dad married Mum in 1989 and they continued to look after Gran until she passed away in 1992.

As a result of Dad marrying late, Dad turned 80 when his daughters were in their late twenties. Since I am a registered nurse, when Dad became unwell, the logical progression was for me to stay home and care for him. My Dad, although aged 82, was still splitting wood, mowing, playing table tennis etc when he was diagnosed with a brain tumour and within 5 months had lost his ability to do all this due to the tumour affecting movement on his left side. By 6 months into his diagnosis, I was staying home with him full time, only working casually at a local aged care facility when his health would allow. Watching someone who has been your stronghold your whole life, gradually become physically weaker, is unbearable, which left me wondering when the nightmare would end.

It probably took me 5 months to settle into the role of caring for Dad, initially I approached it like a nurse, trying to set ground rules however this just made Dad feel like a “prisoner”. I then tried catering to his every whim which resulted in sleepless nights for both of us. At one point I spent a couple of weeks going for 48 hours at a time without proper sleep as Dad couldn’t sleep and was calling me up to three times an hour. It wasn’t until December when in my research attempts to help Dad, I stumbled across the power of love in healing, pain relief etc. Seeing as there was nothing left to loss, I started telling Dad how much I loved him, giving him kisses and hugs. Surprisingly, Dad’s inability to sleep quickly changed to an uninterrupted night’s sleep of up to 12 hours plus. Over the next 6 months, while I just focused on loving Dad the best I could I learnt a valuable lesson on the power of love.

At the start of January, Dad broke his leg we were told that an operation was too dangerous as it had a 50% chance of killing him either during the operation or in the immediate recovery period after the operation. We were told that we should not expect Dad to make it through the next 12 weeks, let alone out of hospital. We spent the two weeks Dad was in hospital, holding his hand almost continuously and telling him how much we loved him. The medical staff were surprised at how small a dose of pain relief Dad needed considering the break to his leg. To our delight, we brought Dad home on the 17th January, as I watched my Dad lie in bed, stripped completely of his independence, I learnt the true depth of his strength. Throughout this, Dad always remained kind, caring and loving. Although, it was difficult for him to speak, he was never rude or impatient. He literally embraced every hug with a grip so tight that could only be described as a headlock – these hugs I will forever miss. When my cousin visited from QLD, she describes Dad’s response to her visiting as he “gave everything he had to come to the party even though he was so exhausted” and she appreciated how much energy it would have taken from him.

As March came and went, I learnt another valuable lesson, that if someone is here on this earth then God has a purpose for them. Doesn’t matter if they can’t speak, can’t move, can’t do anything defined by this world as “useful” – if this person exists then God has a purpose for them. At the end of March, someone very close to Dad returned to practising their Catholic faith after 10 years of not receiving the sacraments. I very much credit this to Dad uniting his pain and suffering to the cross and the literal fact the person started watching daily Mass with Dad online (this would not have happened if Dad had not broken his leg, as we would have continued taking him to daily Mass and this person would not come with us).

As my Dad started losing his ability to walk and care for himself, he would get emotional, stating disbelief that I would be caring for him. When I finally realised that my scoffing of this opinion was not making it go away, I started telling him the truth, that the good he saw in how I cared for him was a reflection of how he had cared for us. Dad has always loved kids – resulting in him showing them kindness, patience, gentleness and love in how he treated and interacted with them. It was this love that underpinned how he passed on the faith, disciplined, educated, and cared for his daughters. It was only fitting that when my Dad required the same care I needed as a child that I would turn back and give it to him.

Reflecting back on my childhood, I realised how Dad made some unpopular choices in how he raised us, we were home schooled, we prayed every 3 hours etc and while this may not have suited every child, I think, what made the difference for us was that Dad did it out of love. He loved God above all else and as his decisions were rooted in this love, it did not matter that to a worldly point of view they were not optimal. From my limited understanding of childhood development, I believe it to be true that the foundations for a child’s character are laid between 0-6 years. Based on this, how Dad cared for us during these years of our childhood is reflected in our character as adults.

My caring for Dad, was an unpopular decision amongst some of those who knew me. One person stated I had put my life on hold to care for my Dad. Another said that I was doing it for my ego, another asked for me to reflect on how I would feel if I had to continue doing this for the next five years … but all these questions are based on the world’s value in relation to caring for someone. I truly believe, in order to fulfill the 4th commandment, I was called to look after my Dad the way I did, especially taking into consideration my skills and experience as a registered nurse. To put Dad in a nursing home, would be to knowingly subject him to, at best, plain neglect and at worst, abuse.

Just as a civilization is measured by how it treats it weakest members, so is a family. My hope in writing this, is to pay tribute to all that parents do for their children and to provide a lived experience of the beauty of walking the difficult road of caring for someone you love. I am so very grateful for being able to take care of my Dad, for the lessons learnt along the way and his strength through it all. I am certain that the love our family shared while Dad was still on earth, still holds us together, as God is love and God is more powerful than death. The more we live in love, the greater our strength will be to carry life’s crosses and truly be who God is calling us to be.